Another day, another next gen Xbox feature, another futile rummage through the internet's laundry basket in search of credible-looking fan mock-ups of unannounced hardware. Having published, oh, six and a half trillion next gen headlines in the last five minutes alone, I'm bang up to date with all the hottest and most memorable specimens. Join me, if your eyes can bear the terrible corrosive effects, for a guided tour.
1. Ribbed Mutant Throat Lozenge From Hell
Just what I need, a living room appliance that resembles a Final Fantasy 13 prop awash with bovine sick. I can see a couple of buttons on there, and that looks like a disc drive down right, but God only knows where you'll shove your HDMI cable. The GPU appears to be full of effervescing plankton. A sustainable fuels solution, or a built-in protein shaker?
2. Load Of Complete Balls
A common theme with Xbox 720 mock-ups is super-sizing the old Xbox logo. Is that what the discerning pro-core destroyer of innocents desires in a next generation console - branding big enough to see from across the road? What will you do when neighbours mistake the lurid glare for that of a Satanic ritual and burn your front door down?
3. HMS Minimalist
Adding features is so last gen, everybody. This "legendary" Xbox 720 prototype is actually less capable than its predecessor, chopping away the disc drive and USB slots alongside such tedious luxuries as power buttons and heat vents. Either that, or somebody dropped the blueprint in a big old vat of Tippex. Don't leave the machine switched on for longer than five minutes or it'll cook in its own casing.
4. Xbox 14:6
Not really a box, though, is it?
5. "Xbox Prestige"
There's actually a blurb to accompany this strikingly professional mock-up, crafted by one Joseph Dumary over at Yanko Design. "The 100% digital Xbox Prestige uses the foundations of the previous 360 Kinect to form this completely controller-less gaming console that's even smaller than the Xbox Slim," it reads. "A combination of motion sensor technology, including not one but two cameras built into the console, and integrated voice recognition make it a super responsive and hands-free gaming powerhouse."
Furthermore, "the KinectIN feature allows the user to purchase a game and simply scan the chip to the console. Once scanned to the user's profile, play can begin in Microsoft Xbox Cloud or from the internal 2TB hard drive. The console has an 8-core processor for super-speed performance up to 20 times faster than previous Xbox models. It supports 3D, 4K2K, multiTV (DPConnect), live TV and webcam, as well as GPS that allows users to view the location of any other user on an active map." Sold?
6. Xbox Flabby Flaps
Notice the recycling symbol on that box. Ah, Microsoft - the soul-devouring mega-corporation that cares. Though not, apparently, enough to put any actual buttons on the console save for that RSI-inducing slide-out keyboard. If you're in the market for a really bad boomerang, this one probably cuts the mustard.