Modern hardware companies appear to specialise in the solving of problems we don't know we have. Back in 2006, I wasn't aware that my life was horribly incomplete without the ability to touch-track through albums of funny cat pictures on the go, but then the goodly Reverend Jobs appraised me of the error of my filthy, button-pushing, non-procrastinating ways.
The next generation Xbox? Think of the problems it'll (create in order to) solve! Right now I can't play Kinect with my ankles while hand-standing in a bucket of melted Stilton, for instance, and ordering the console to edit together every Adam Sandler film in reverse-alphabetical order while remote-playing Skulls of a Shogun on my tablet via my smartphone in my neighbour's toilet remains, I'm sorry to say, a decided impossibility.
I look forward to discovering just how limited my life has been, these past 10 years. But if it's not beneath your dignity, Uncle Microsoft, do you think you could address a few of the slightly more mundane complaints below first? Thanks to Log and CVG's Tamoor Hussain for their off-the-cuff suggestions.
1. More realistic Games on Demand pricing
2K and Microsoft "teamed up" to knock 33 per cent off the GoD price of Borderlands 2 over Christmas. 33 per cent! Why, that's only £15 more expensive than the cheapest boxed offer, chaps, and thanks to the marvels of digital distribution, I don't have to worry about trading in your game once I'm done with it. Games on Demand is a wonderful service, potentially, and there are decent deals to be had, but too many of the prices hail from Never-Never-Land.
Xbox Live UK product manager Pav Bhardwaj defended the current approach in fairly plain terms when we asked about it last April. "We release a game roughly six months after it arrives at retail at full ERP," he said. "That's our model and we'll be sticking to that. It's a successful model, so why change something you don't need to?" Can't argue with numbers, I guess, but perhaps it would be more successful if it wasn't so flagrantly out of whack with reality, young man.
2. "The ability to recognise me the first time I say 'XBOX'"
Or perhaps another word that alerts it to the possibility that Xbox might be said, soon, so keep an ear out. "OI, XBOX, BING MY ARSE". You could house-train Kinect to recognise the sound of somebody clearing his throat, even.
3. The ability to buy as many points as you require to complete a purchase
I have 70 MP in my Xbox Live wallet. I've had 70 MP in my Xbox Live wallet for pretty much as long as I can remember, and I've long resigned myself to the idea that there will never be a game, DLC pack or Avatar accessory costing 70 MP that I actually want. Put me out of my small-change-induced misery, Microsoft.
4. "If adverts must have sound on the dashboard, gently fade in the sound so I don't go 'WHAT THE JESUS F***'"
Or alternatively, film Log's response when you slam on the Inception theme and upload the video to the official OXM Youtube account.