The following few hundred words is either going to be the very first game designer's Kama Sutra, or a fearful ray of light on the fuming recesses of my psyche. Or both. Whatever happens, there will be videos of naked people exploring each other's nakedness. Not safe for work? Quite possibly.
When we hear about sex in videogames, it's generally because somebody's Done It Wrong. Prickly American family institutions treated BioWare to an entirely non-sensual tongue-lashing earlier this week over Mass Effect 3's lesbian and gay romance scenes, for instance. Even within the emancipating walls of the online gaming community, quote-led news pieces and columns exploring/slamming the seediness of forthcoming releases are ten-a-penny.
There's definitely room for admonitory finger-wagging: sex in games is often crude, unnecessary and objectifying. But there are brighter moments - flashes of calculating silliness or even, dare we say, seductiveness - and given recent bust-ups, it's high time somebody listed a few in no particular order. Cover your eyes, kids.
It's hard to get excited about the thought of two Plasticene people coupling in a bucketful of golden syrup... unless you've wandered through a luxuriant underground maze first, your ears filled with teasing laughter and the trickle of water. OK, maybe not even then.
Fable 3's blacked-out shags paint a vivider picture than any Mass Effect rub 'em up you'd care to name. "Heh heh heh your beard tickles." NOOOOOOOOO, etc.
Because when's the last time a videogame character forced her bizarre procreative impulses on you, rather than the other way round?
Wheeling on Pigsy just as Trip and Monkey are about to break through the friendship barrier is a stroke of genius from developer Ninja Theory. This charming little sequence encapsulates the broken chemistry.
Well done, The Darkness 2. For a game in which it's possible to tear out a man's spine via his anus by means of some toothy phallic symbolism, that's a refreshingly unpleasant, unsmiling take on prostitution.
You take it from here. If you dare.