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Six TV shows we'd ruin using Kinect TV

Programmes that need to be commissioned for the future to exist

Kinect Sesame Street TV marks a new beginning for television. Never before has advanced motion-sensing technology been used to toss invisible coconuts to a blue puppet in quite this precise way. But this is only the beginning - soon, every TV show will be Kinect-enabled and interactive. This is the future we envision...

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You awful child-ruining pig

PEPPA PIG: BELLOW FOR OBEDIENCE

Recently, a story in The Telegraph warned that Peppa Pig was encouraging children to be naughty. Clearly, this is an apocalyptic milestone in children's TV, and our mindless modern offspring are robotically mimicking Peppa with obscene demands for breakfast cake.

Peppa Pig: Bellow For Obedience allows you to enjoy imaginary pig antics with your children, without fear of reprehensible farmyard behaviour sowing the seeds of filth in your child's pliant brain. If you disapprove of Peppa's actions, simply scream "FOR GOD'S SAKE WHY WON'T YOU BEHAVE, I WISH I'D NEVER HAD YOU", over and over again. Kinect will do the rest, freezing the on-screen action for as long as you continue screaming.

DLC will allow you to administer punishments to Peppa in secret - simply tap Y on the controller to punish her rudeness with two broken legs!

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XBLA RUDE TUBE: KINECT

Do you enjoy this turgid Zane-presented clip show that regurgitates YouTube's most-watched uploads? Are you constantly applying for talent shows, only to be filtered out as an unbalanced, giftless lunatic at the earliest stages? XBLA RUDE TUBE: KINECT is your game. Log in to the show, and you'll be watching other, unfiltered Kinect users showing off in their front room. Simply tap Y to "boo them off", and once enough people have done so, the next contestant is chosen at random - from the other viewers. People would never stop watching, in case they were up next. It's the vital first step to a dystopian TV future.

A sexy version of this is bound to be a hit, if you can get the perverts to stop stripping off into their cameras in Uno for a moment. And Alex Zane would probably even change his name to Alex Zune if we asked. I mean, he presents Rude Tube. He'd probably shiv his own balls off for a bit of exposure and cash.

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Unlockable Sombrero!

THE BREAKING BAD METH LAB KINECT EXPERIENCE

It's one of the most well-built, tense and uncannily believable dramas we've ever seen. Walter White's journey from school teacher to, well, whatever it is that he's become, has been one of the most perfectly judged and slow-boiling descents ever.

And now, with The Breaking Bad Meth Lab Kinect Experience, you can take part in the show, with a meth-cooking mini-game. Make sure you add the ingredients in the right order, otherwise Walter will shout you out in a way that makes him seem like an unsympathetic character! Make too many mistakes, and Gustavo Fring will drag you to the desert and shoot you in the head. Pre-order and you'll receive an inflatable sombrero for your avatar, who will appear as one of the Mexican cartel members!

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