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Skyrim DLC: eight things we don't want

Elder Scrolls 5 add-ons the world can do without

We've already told you what we want in our Skyrim DLC packs, but sometimes the best tactic isn't to ask what your country can do for you, nor even what you can do for it, but to ask what it can't do for you. If you're considering putting the following up for download, Bethesda, think again.

1. Horse Armour
Got to get this out of the way first, or some internet comedian will teleport into the comments, lay down those magic two words with intense satisfaction and depart, never to post here again. It goes without saying, Bethesda, that Oblivion's most infamous "expansion pack" isn't a trick we care to see repeated (though apparently some do), even if you get the price right. The emotional trauma runs too deep. Shame, really, because Skyrim's nags could probably do with a few extra layers.

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2. Draugr tombs
Draugr tombs are as common as barrels of apples in Skyrim (more on those apples in a moment). And while no individual tomb is quite like its fellows, there's only so many times you can wheel out the same zombie-you-thought-was-dead, spinning-icon-puzzle and pool-of-flammable-gloop gambits without reducing participating brains to temperamental porridge. We'll take anything, Bethesda. We'll even take a water temple, or a lava level. Speaking of which - Vvardenfell's meant to be nice this time of year, right?

3. Dragons
When we first got our hands on Skyrim, we thought dragons were majestic beasts, ancient beyond ancient, privy to divine knowledge and a vocabulary manifest in gouts of flame and ice. Then we played some more, and came to think of them as an unholy pestilence, jealous of Man's fragile pre-eminence among sentient beings, intent on depossessing him with tooth and claw. And then we played even more, broke the 50 hour barrier and realised what dragons really are: trolls. No, not the hairy, health-regenerating kind.

Save for when they pop up during Skyrim's story, dragons serve one purpose and one purpose alone: to derail your progress through the world, miring you in brawls. Fun brawls, admittedly, but distractions nonetheless. Even in death they nag at you, weighting you down with lumps of bone and scale - too valuable to throw away, especially if you want that tasty endgame armour. Fiends. A downloadable encore could well be the hundred kilo straw that breaks the over-encumbered Argonian's back.

4. Cooking ingredients
Cooking is without doubt the most pointless mechanic in Skyrim. It's Alchemy with a fraction of the benefits, and to do it properly you're obliged to lug around hundreds of red apples, mammoth tusks, potatoes and so forth. What fascinating varieties of stew can Bethesda dream up next? We don't know. We don't care. Flesh out the enchanting system instead.

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5. Bears
Bears are like dragons, only harder to spot. Particularly when they're asleep. Once roused, they have two settings (1) stand up and throw a tantrum and (2) run teeth first into anything with a pulse. Matt's tale of bear-killing has more. Enough please.

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