19 things to do in Skyrim: tips, secrets and stupidness

Vegetable wars, Necro-chaining, saw "accidents" and bear abuse

You don't need to read about things to do in Skyrim. Seriously - it's the proverbial cup of water to a drowning man. The experience of walking down a street in Bethesda's new Elder Scrolls offers more potential for distraction than most games cram into their entire campaigns.

Still, everybody loves sharing. Here's one short of 20 recreational, helpful or plain idiotic gambits we've discovered.

1. Beat a dungeon just by reviving bodies
A true Necromancer doesn't get his or her hands dirty. Not more than once, anyway. See if you can get through an entire dungeon by moving from corpse to corpse, using one undead minion to secure the, ahem, "raw materials" for your next dastardly spell-cast. It's the most efficient, ecologically sound way to depopulate a den of scum and villainy yet invented. Somebody should give you a medal, really.

Lawks, we've thought of a 20th idea already - have a look round Winterhold's sewers.

2. Use Dragonshouts to go sky-diving
That "Turn Ethereal" Dragonshout won't just safeguard you against blades and arrows, it'll also stop your legs going mushy after a 400 feet drop. Sucks to be you, gravity.

3. Create a Fus Ro Dah video
It's the latest internet meme craze thing, and it's remarkably easy to pull off. Just get hold of the original Skyrim trailer, snip it halfway and paste in a picture of (e.g.) a pie exploding up somebody's nose. Here's a medley we're sure will inspire.

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4. Wait outside the abandoned house in Markath
We won't spoil it, but keep walking past and you may have an interesting encounter.

5. Take the piss with stealth
These Nords have short attention spans. They're not so hot at drawing conclusions, either, like "player holding weapon" + "conspicuous absence of man who was there five seconds ago" + "corpse" = "worth mentioning to a guard, next time you see one". The other day, Matt managed to perforate a bard in plain sight using a demon bow and arrow. The only fallout was somebody whining about security. The guy in the video below goes a few better, though.

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6. Start a brawl over some cabbages
Hard-drinking mercenaries can be extremely possessive. We're going to try this with bone meal and dog meat next.

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7. Create your own book collection
Don't just throw it away after scanning the first page - somebody poured their blood and sweat into that prose. Hopefully not literally, though given the primitive state of Nord communications, we wouldn't rule it out. Once you've bought a house, why not stock its shelves with the very best literature in Skyrim? The Lusty Argonian Maid is a must-read. Those who enjoy stroking their chins should also look out for essays on the origins of Tamriel's religions. And no toilet is complete without a copy of the Yellow Book of Riddles. Come to think of it, have you found a toilet in Skyrim yet?

8. Fill, bully and murder your companions
They aren't your brothers and sisters in arms, they're glorified pack mules. Treat them as such. Here's a recipe for a solid evening's entertainment: walk into a pub, seat yourself quietly at the bar and order your housecarl to attack the biggest man there. You could always steal something while the patrons are distracted. When foraging outside town, don't forget to offload those cumbersome Dragon bones, scales and suits of armour. Of course, every friendship has to end some day, and what more conclusive way to say goodbye than by Dragon-shouting your follower down a mountain?

Skyrim's Headless Horseman. A man of few words.

9. Desecrate the dead
No, we're not talking about what you got up to in Saarthal. We're talking about what happens when you drag a corpse (hold the search button rather than tapping it) onto something like a fire, or a lumber saw, or a bard. Bystanders should get the message that you're not to be trifled with. Or sung at.

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